I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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