You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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