I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
