Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
