A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
