It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
