I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Randomize
