Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
