As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
