no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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