Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
