i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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