Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
