I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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