I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
