I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
