awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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