So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
