Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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