I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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