I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
