I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
