I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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