my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
