i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
