have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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