I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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