If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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