And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
