Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
