I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
