I never want to see another naked old woman again.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
