Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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