She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
