i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
