I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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