So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
