I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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