I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
