No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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