Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.