I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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