i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
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It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
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I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.