it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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