i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I look better un-naked...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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