Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
