Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
