i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
