She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
