I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
