I think I won the penis lottery.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
