You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
