I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
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I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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