I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
