i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
