Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
