I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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