It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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