you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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