Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
